10 Myths About Why All Women Don’t Want to Have Children

There are so many controversaries surrounding women who don’t want to have children and their lifestyle choices, from family members and friends to society in general. Then there’s controversary within that group over how childless women should be living. There’s so much judgment within every type of choice that every woman makes, I could make a list longer than Santa’s nice or naughty, but my list is about the myths of why all women don’t want to have children.

1. We Don’t Like Children: This one is just stupid. There are some women who really don’t like children, but that’s a true rarity. I had a friend ask me that one time, with her bitchy voice because I didn’t want to get pregnant out of high school while her kids were climbing all over the place and acting out. She responded by doing nothing.
   • I wanted to say, “I don’t like how you give your kids Mountain Dew and then  feed them Ritalin wondering why they’re so out of control”, but I didn’t. I don’t remember my answer, but it was much more dignified than that.
   • I love kids and they generally love me because I am just a big kid at heart. 
2. We Are Selfish: Yes, some women are  “selfish”. They’d rather their lives be about their careers and weekends spent antiquing or sailing or taking vacations.
   • I think recognizing that being “selfish” and not wanting to have children is being pretty self-aware rather than following what people believe is to be expected of them. Just following suite isn’t a self-less gesture and doesn’t make for guaranteed great moms either.
   • Having children can be pretty selfish too. I don’t understand why people, namely women, take pictures of their kids for social media, but their basically taking a selfie. Also, are you going to adopt a 9 year-old? No. Because most people deep down wouldn’t love someone that wasn’t their own blood. They would never admit it, but I know enough childless women who can’t have children who refuse to adopt or be foster parents.
   • If I wasn’t so sick, I’d love to adopt older children who were close to “aging out” of the system so they had a chance to go to college or get a higher education or anything they wanted. That was actually on my bucket list, but, I don’t think I would end up being a very good parent right now because I’m to sick. 
3. We don’t have maternal instincts. I call bullshit on that one. There are very few women without maternal instincts. I always hated when my niece and nephew were little babies and I was told by my mother how to hold them. “Make sure you support the head.” “They don’t like to be held that way.” They always liked the way I held them. Even when my nephew would curl into a little peanut like he was still inside the womb. 
   • I taught my mother how to soothe my teething niece when she’d been crying for hours (frozen washcloth,  because teething rings won’t fit in their little mouths, btw). I can hear a baby cry over teething and walk her up and down hall for hours while other people lose their minds. It’s not about maternal instincts, it’s about love. Learning to show love to another person, or child that is not your blood.
   • I had a connection to a few children when we went to a wedding in Texas (horrific experience, just so you know, well, the road trip part was fun). The children were unwanted by their parents, especially the bride of her step-daughter, and they sensed it, so they latched to me and we all played together. I was happy to be with the kids more than the Bridezilla anyhow. I danced with them at the wedding, partied with them drinking punch.
   • The most painful part, I think, was when everyone (except the bride) was doing their hair in the hotel room and they were curling the step-daughter-to-be’s hair and the Bridezilla said, “Well, her hair is hard to do because she’s got n***** hair”. I could literally feel the pain in that girl’s heart and I went out of my way the rest of the day to make her feel loved, special, and beautiful just the way she was. (FYI: She was of Polynesian and Caucasian descent so Bridezilla couldn’t even get her racism right. Just the worst kind of person you can imagine on steroids.) 
4. We believe in saving the world by consuming less via not having children. I am absolutely positive that this one is true, for some, but I doubt their only reason. I am also absolutely positive that there is a set of statistics somewhere about plastics and papers and how many polar ice caps would be saved by not having children.
   • This is a truly thoughtful reason, but it also brings about the literal costs of having children. I don’t know what the price is now to raise a kid over a lifetime, but it used to be something like $250,000, before college.
   • I have no idea who came up with that number because, when you’re poor, that’s not quite right, and, when you have money, that’s not quite right. And life can go from having money to having no money in the beat of a heart. Never forget that, any family you have, blood, created, etc., always needed to be protected. I’ve taken care of family before, an angry teenager disguised as a mother who cost me a Hell of a lot. 
5. Our careers are our top priorities. Maybe. Some women might want to break through as many glass ceilings as they can. We don’t have many mentors in professional sense. Or in any sense. Women, of all races, despite recent commercials, struggle to get a foothold on a professional career. Without knowing someone, you just simply can’t get the right job. Or any job, for that matter.
   • After I got my BSW, I was scrubbing toilets, helping the elderly shower, and working with people with developmental disabilities, while also working at a big box store. When I finally got a job as a full-time therapist after I had my MSW, I didn’t know what to do with all of that extra time. I’ve got so much work experience in different areas simultaneously, I look like a complete flake on paper. I’d worked multiple jobs for so long, I didn’t know how to just, well, be. I don’t know what I would’ve done with a kid when I was working full-time and going to school full-time. 
   • Some women also want to have their own businesses. It’s time-consuming and exhausting. I’m working on rebranding one right now and I can tell you it’s been tiring trying to communicate and work with others to keep the business alive and going. The social media for this blog alone can be exhausting. 
6. We had shitty parents and think we wouldn’t know how to raise a child. Um…if you think for a second that you’re not going to fuck up your kid somehow, you, my friend, are wrong. Bad Moms had it right. Just resign yourself to being a “Bad Mom” and get over it. It’s like a game of Whack-a-Mole. If you can “fix” one problem, another one pops up. And the game speeds up the older they get.
   • How would I know? Therapist, only one at the lunch table in high school who wasn’t pregnant. Every single decision you make for yourself impacts your children in some way or another. Even if you think it’s the right one. And please don’t bring your kid in for therapy
   • More than one kid? They’re all going to be different and, chances are, one of them is going to pick up a bad habit somewhere no matter how Norman Rockwell you try to make your home. Even Father Knows Best, didn’t have a clue. Try your luck watching re-runs of Hazel. 
7. We think the world is to harsh to bring a child into it. Isn’t it? Look, if people didn’t procreate, we would die out as an entire species. But, it is a harsh world and we can’t hide that from children forever, no matter, what we do. My advice is to try, but to teach them life lessons early. Lessons about earning money. Lessons that they need to make their seat at the table before they can claim to be someone. 
   • Here’s the thing: There’s a few generations now who think that they are special for absolutely no reason. NO reason. You need to teach your children that “making your place at the table” means actually working to deserve something. There is no such thing as a free lunch, and your child needs to know that work is earned. 
8. We were abused and afraid we couldn’t protect a child. This is similar to number seven, however, about prevention of abused and afraid that we cannot protect a child from abuse. I don’t know if you understand how common it is for incest, is a link to RAINN that will give you some stats on incest, rape, sexual assaults’, etc. Every 73 seconds, someone is sexually assaulted in this country.
   • How would I know? Well, I’ve met and heard so much about it. Practically every woman I know has been molested at least once and most of them either, never told anyone about it, or told someone and wasn’t believed. Or like me…blocked it out and didn’t remember that it happened until they began to unpack personal trauma. 
   • I’ve also had clients who brought their children into my office trying to convince me that it was unreal. My solution: Calling child protective services and telling the parent that they might want to hear their child out before they jump to the conclusion that everything their child is telling them lies. It’s always possible that a child is lying, but, most kids are in a lot of pain if they admit something like this and you immediately shoot them down…they’ll never say anything again. 
   • P.S. If you find out a child is being abused in any way, you need to call Child Protective Services too. Keeping children safe from abuse and neglect is everyone’s job. 
9. We would rather travel than procreate. Well, you can add this one to my list, however, for a different reason. I have too many illnesses to take care of a child or likely bear a healthy one. I have an autoimmune disease that would complicate my health and a child’s health so I feel it would be selfish of me to try and have a baby. Some women don’t give pause to their own genetics because, like I said, no one wants to adopt a nine year-old. 
   • Anyhow, yes, I would like to travel. Some women want to see the world, but, unfortunately, I have to stay pretty close to home due to the medications and infusions I have to take. I would like to travel the states first and then travel the world. 
   • If women would rather do anything, like traveling and seeing the world rather than have a baby, or invest in hobbies, and businesses, who cares?
10. We value things over babies. This one is silly and superficial. Some women might want to have a combination of things listed above, travel, career, etc., but it’s not just about having nice things. It’s about having things that matter to them. Some homes don’t come baby-proofed.
    • For instance, most of my open family and living room are ok, but in my bedroom, I have necklaces hanging everywhere and that would just be a nightmare. Our cabinets aren’t baby-proofed in the kitchen, but we actually don’t keep any cleaning supplies in there. But, a toddler would have fun opening all of that cabinets and pulling out all of the stuff. 

Here’s the thing: Feminism in it’s purest definition is about equality, opportunity, and CHOICE. So, to judge others for making a choice of whether or not to have children or to be stay-at-home moms or to breastfeed in public (not sure why this has by been such a huge campaign in recent years, whatever), or to be a stay-at-home wife. Who gives a damn? My saying is that God didn’t take the day off to give you the right to judge other people. It’s really that simple. So, if you’ve branded yourself a feminist, but judge others for their choices, you’re not actually a feminist. You’re just a general gossipy bitch. 

**All pics come from FreePik and Adobe Stock, and title pic designed using Canva. 

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