12 Steps of Christmas (Step 3)
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…turning their will and their lives over to the care of God as we understood Him…
We’ve already talked about a Higher Power in Step 2 (and a little in Step 1), but here’s where, according to the 12 Steps in actuality, action truly begins. Within their recovery comes a point of break down and build up. This is no one’s job but their own. As a therapist working with mandated clients, I tried to hurry this point along as quickly as I could before they left my care (hence, no coddling) because, once they were gone, I could do nothing to help them. And, let’s be honest, most of them were in forced recovery because of parole, probation, or Department of Child Services.
The 12 Steps go along with the 12 Traditions and, in the third Tradition it states, “The only requirement for A.A. is a desire to stop drinking”. Seems simple enough, right? It is, but the third Step is a bit confusing so you have to read the literature fully to understand the actual meaning of how to proceed and what qualifies this as a call to action and examples. This is not where you accept that you no longer have power over drinking/drugging and must hand it up to your Higher Power.
God, as we UNDERSTAND Him
This is the part where you figure out who is helping you through this journey, but family, spouse, friends, sponsors, whoever, is likely not going to be there every waking moment for you. Your Higher Power is your ticket to a little bit of sanity when the novelty and pride of sobriety wear off and you begin to realize some of the fucked up things you did/didn’t do when you were using. And you will start to remember them. 
And you won’t like what you see in the mirror sometimes knowing what you’ve done. When this happens, as I’ve just warned you it will, you NEED something, someone to call on to help you. If you do not have a specific religion, this says, “God, as we understand Him”.
I get it. I didn’t believe in anything but that I would have a much shorter life than I have for a long time. So I figured, what’s the difference? But, one night, I screamed a prayer, and He didn’t fail to answer. It wasn’t the answer I wanted and it tore out my heart, but I Him gave options. It was a true take it or leave it situation: He chose the take it method.
When I look back at the fucked up situations that I’ve been in, on purpose or otherwise, there’s no “faith”, there’s true belief in my heart. We live in Hell so I don’t believe much in the whole vengeful God thing. I guess you could call me a Polytheist. I know angels that roam this earth that don’t have wings. I can recognize evil onsite. I can see a young soul onsite. It’s not some special powers, it’s in my gut. Don’t turn off that inner child and you’ll see it all too. I still think that the Bible is a bunch of stories to teach people how to act right, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t a sacred book. I believe in God now, but I also believe that we get more than one soul. Mine’s pretty old and I’m pretty tired.
If you (or your loved one) isn’t as accepting of God as others, here are some alternative ideas (again, remember not to push away by pushing your loved one into religion):
- Talk to a dead person. If you’ve ever seen A Year and a Change (2015 Film), he keeps a mental journey journal to someone (I would hate to spoil it, Hell of a movie with a happy ending). Basically, “Dear John, I wish you were here because you wouldn’t believe this happened. You would’ve laughed with me because of the time xyz happened”. It doesn’t have to be complicated. I talk to my Dad often and he’s been gone 16 years today. Someone reminded me of that recently, that I think and talk about it too much. That statement hurt pretty bad.
- Talk to someone alive, a sober friend, a sponsor (they sometimes want to meet regularly), a family member, your spouse, a therapist, or a friend who is still lost. Talk out loud. Tell them something you miss about them from when you weren’t using.
- Cry, damnit! Just let it out. When someone leaves a “painkiller” (alcohol/drugs all kill pain in
some way), they suddenly have a rush of emotions and they are generally bad at first. Let it out. Sob like a baby. - There’s always therapy. Once you start this task of beginning to know yourself and what it means to be sober to you specifically, as I said, new feelings will arise and, as it turns out, we’re pretty good listeners. Find one, give it a shot, and it just might work. Trust me, it works with time for deeper issues. And, FYI, it doesn’t make you “crazy”.
- Just talk out loud as a reflection on your day. You don’t have to pray or talk to anyone else in general. (I’ve advised in the past to take advantage of this time to get a job or multiple jobs or school to keep yourself busy throughout the day. I also advise you to get that cash from your check to someone safe. Cash can be a trigger.)
- Utilize Mother Nature and Father Time. No matter where you live, there’s something you haven’t seen yet. Approach your town/city/middle of nowhere like a tourist. Don’t see what you’ve already seen, see something different.
- Keep a journal for reflective moments on the day, from when you were addicted, and even from 20 years ago.
- Sketch, draw, paint, listen to music, pick up a camera, a guitar, etc. They’re not a Higher Power necessarily, but they are deep expressions (some deeper than others) of our soul. Sometimes, when I’m done with a poem or drawing, it’s not how I imagined it would turn out, but it would reveal some highly powerful things about me. Pretty dark shit. You need a hobby anyhow. (Start at Dollar Tree, you won’t be disappointed.)
Final Thoughts for Today
You need a theme song. You need a theme PLAY list. I mean it. People always say that smell is the strongest sense tied to memory (drugs and alcohol follow this standard), but I’m pretty sure music is a close second. Include: Some new upbeat music with no ties to using, something from childhood that made you happy, no matter how corny, i.e., “No Scrubs” by TLC and at least song from before you were born 1940’s on. I’d start with Ol’ Blue Eyes and some jazz, move into some doo-wop, ’68 Comeback Special Elvis…you get the idea. You’re going to have to be open to trying things that you once thought were stupid or a waste of time.
I dated an actual son of a preacher before and he told me that the song he played when he was getting ready to go on a date was “Son of a Preacher Man”, by Dusty Springfield…I wonder what ever happened to him… If you do not know what this music is, look it up, there will be a friggin’ quiz later. Whenever I’m actually putting effort into getting all pretty, I listen to Cigarettes After Sex. YouTube, Alexa doesn’t matter. It’s very sexy, smoky, Mad Men music (that’s what it makes me think of, but the lyrics are a little…iffy). Even Rocky had “Eye of the Tiger”. You get the point. Step 3 isn’t about you saying “OK, I’ve stopped drinking, I’ve given it up to God, so I’m good now?” Um. No. Sobriety is nor a spectator sport nor a passive life selection like Dr. Pepper v Mountain Dew. You’ve picked your side. Most of us have to deal with our sad, scary, ugly pasts in sobriety and you can too.
Don’t you think I’d rather live somewhere else, like a ship in a bottle?
*Title pic was courtesy of Google designed with Canva and in-article pic is from FreePik.
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