Let’s get a few things straight here, one that you have to be comfortable with yourself, your body, and your partner’s sense of confidence and self-worth. These rules are only going to apply to safe, healthy relationships. You may feel like your relationship is in a slump, but, for any of these things to work, you still have to have a healthy connection. The other thing to get straight is that, well, I’m straight and I’m a woman so that’s where this info is coming from. I am a feminist and I think that has helped me find a voice in the bedroom.
In any long-term relationship, your sex life, or lack thereof, can make the difference between being a functioning, satisfied, and happy couple, OR being roommates. Sex, obviously is not the only important thing in your relationship and, to have a healthy sex life, you must first have monogamy (that’s what I would advocate for, from my professional therapist point of view), trust, love, respect BEFORE you can build the healthy sex life.
There will, of course be lulls sometimes in your sex life, but deciding to just vacate the premises of the bedroom can lead to affairs, online, emotional, sexual, etc. Then, you’re talking separation, who sees the kids when, divorce, etc.
Sex is obviously a very important part of a healthy long-term relationship, but it can’t be the only important thing in your life together. Just like love can’t be the only layer in the foundation that is your relationship. Many people who are still in their honeymoon phase, newlyweds, or planning a wedding, still believe that love is all they need for a relationship to survive. Um…it won’t carry you through when you fall out of love with each other. I’m of the belief that 2 kinds of love exist in relationship: the “I love you” everyday kind of love and the “falling in love” (infatuation) kind of love. No one seems to believe me about that part of ever “falling out of love” with your own spouse or long-term partner. I watched an interview with a couple who had been married for 65+ years on the morning news once and they said their tip for married couples was to “never fall out of love at the same time”. So, even when you’re “out of love” with your partner, you have to keep that healthy sex life as a physical connection.
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