Domestic Violence- Why I Couldn’t “Just Leave”
***IF YOU FOUND THIS ARTICLE ON SHARED DEVICES AND YOU COULD BE IN DANGER, LEAVE IT AND GO TO THE LIBRARY OR A FRIEND OR YOUR WORK! My ex was able to track everything all devices, especially my phone: COMPUTERS, iPads, Phone Plans, etc.
“Just come home if you’re unhappy.” “Why didn’t you just leave?” “Why didn’t you tell me about this?” “I would have never thought that YOU would have let this happen to you.” (That one is a real gut punch right to the shame you’ve been carrying.) Or…if he was to totally isolate you from everyone, they’re somehow pissed at you. So, no one thought, in all these years that it ODD you hadn’t reached out? Or you’d been around a million times and never given even a hint that you were being abused. Or maybe you’d tried to reach out to someone close, like your immediate family, to give a little hint that you’re being abused, but they don’t say or do anything about it because it’s a) inconvenient for them or b) they already believe him to be some kind of saint. Yes,he’s The Patron Saint of Manipulation.
Why “Just Leaving” isn’t Always an Option
Without going into too much detail here, once you’re stripped of your self-esteem, self-worth, and all power, “just leaving” feels impossible. This is the Power and Control Wheel. I apologize if you’re unable to read it. I do want mention something called “Gaslighting” before I do a quick breakdown of the Power and Control Wheel. Even though the definition in the wheel is “makes you feel like you’re going crazy”. Gaslighting is essentially defined in the same way, it’s simply the manipulation of someone until you have them questioning their own decision-making and reality (i.e. making you think you’re crazy). Here’s a bit of a breakdown of the Power and Control Wheel:
- The Wheel overall includes Emotional Abuse, Using Isolation, Using Intimidation, Using Children, Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming, Sexual Abuse, Using Male Privilege, Using Economic Abuse, and, finally, Using Coercion and Threats.
- There are many “reasons to stay” on this wheel because we feel completely powerless in certain areas, but feel so bad about ourselves in the other abusive situations that it, honestly, makes it easier to stay. For the kids. For the financial support. Because we have nowhere to go.
- Using Emotional Abuse: talking down to you, trying to make you feel as worthless as possible. My ex : “Who would ever want you.” and “No one else will ever love you”. Name calling: “Crazy/psycho bitch!”. Playing mind games is all part of Making her feel guilty for what is happening to her. Making her feel humiliated. Has he ever made fun of you in front of others or revealed something that was a deep secret to you as if it were a joke? The scars of the physical abuse will heal long before the emotional ones. I want you to please trust me about this.
- Using Isolation: Controlling who she is allowed to talk to, making her stay in the room with him when you’re on the phone with anyone. Keeping up a fake facade for most abusers is highly important. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to slip someone a note or letter at a family get together so they would help, but I knew, if I was going to leave him, I needed someone to believe me, and not a soul would. My ex-husband even stalked me, and still does. He sent emails to my fiancee after he found out that we got engaged, so he must have been stalking me to know that! He will control where you go, what you read, who you talk to…
- Using Intimidation: There are many ways that this can apply. He can use physical intimidation. You know that look that he gives you right before something bad happens? That’s intimidation. He can also display weapons, hurt your animals, threaten to harm you or your children.
- Using Children: He will threaten to take you to court and get full custody of the children. This is a classic scare tactic and, in most states, bullshit. Using the children to gain leverage. If you work outside the home, for instance, he will use them to make you feel guilty about not spending more time with them OR not bringing home enough money to give them what they want, to contribute to the household. If you are out with the girls, he will have the children message and call you constantly to guilt you into coming home and not going out anymore (if he allows you to go out without him at all).
- Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: Here comes more head games! When there is a fight where any kind of abuse takes place, he will deny it, minimize it to the point that “it’s not that big of a deal” (again making you question yourself and your perception of reality) and/or, somehow, turning the situation back onto blaming you. “You brought it up.” “Just get over it.” “If you wouldn’t start stuff all the time, we wouldn’t be fighting.” In his mind, he truly believes his fucked up reasoning. Remember that. The engine is running, but there’s a maniac behind the wheel.
- Sexual Abuse: He will use sexual abuse to gain power and control. The sexual abuse only adds to the trauma bond that has been established. (Different blog post altogether, but this is an important thing to understand along with the cycle of violence.) Sexual abuse can range from rape to assaults in other ways, against other parts of the body, even involving other people.
- Using Male Privilege: This involves “treating her like a servant” and doing things like making all of the decisions about the household, treating her like she is weak. I will share a little story here from when I worked at a Domestic Violence/Homeless Shelter. A woman was finally able to escape her husband, but, the first time she called the cops, they did nothing because he answered the door and basically told them that she was crazy. They chose to believe his story. Some of the women had to run and leave their children behind until they could safely get a police escort and/or DCFS to retrieve their children from the home safely.
- Economic Abuse: Preventing you from getting a job or keeping one, giving an allowance, making you ask for money, preventing you from having access to family finances. There are some loopholes around this. Here’s what I did: He wanted to have a house, but we weren’t allowed to mix my MSW school loan money with the home money, so I opened a separate account and gave him absolutely no access. When I went to the grocery store, each time I would get a gift card to help support me once I left him. He didn’t check receipts so I could get $10 or $20 at a time. I also had credit cards going into the marriage so I had some of those to fall back on. If these are not possible and you’re limited to being in the house, apply for credit cards online and always be the one to check the mail first. You can open your own account online AND apply for personal loans online, but REMEMBER TO NEVER DO THIS FROM YOUR OWN ELECTRONICS! It’s better to be safe than sorry. If you can manage a burner phone (prepaid phone), get one ASAP and keep it hidden. Use a friend’s things, a neighbor, a friend from work, church, library.
- Using Coercion and Threats: This is where those threats continue and may possibly be carried out. This is the height of the storm, so to speak, something when he might find out that you’re planning to leave. He’ll threaten to leave at this stage, even threaten to commit suicide. I have a personal story that fits this scenario perfectly, however, this blog is already way too long!
**Keep an emergency plan in place, know where your nearest shelter is, if you need it (some can provide transportation). Keep Social Security cards, Birth Certificates, all important documents, YOUR credit cards, if you’re able to get them. Pretend you’re at war, babe, because, well, you are, and you have to outsmart your abuser.
On Your Way Out the Door
Your break-up or divorce will have it’s own soundtrack. I know mine did and those songs still stab me in the heart. If you forget why you are leaving, listen to these songs and remember the lyrics:
- Sweet Nothing-Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch- “It’s not enough, to tell me that you care, ’cause we both know that words are empty air. You give me NOTHING!” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17ozSeGw-fY&list=RDrnL9kzxRtbI&index=25
- Praying– Kesha- “You thought you had me fooled, told me I was nothing without you…And you said that I was done, but you were wrong and now THE BEST IS YET TO COME!…And we both know all the truth I could tell, but I’ll just say this is I wish you farewell…I hope you’re somewhere praying, I hope your soul is changing. I hope you find your peace, fallin’ on your knees…Some things only God can forgive…” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-Dur3uXXCQ
- Skyscraper– Demi Lovato- “Do you have to make me feel like there’s nothing left of me?…You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am like I’m made of glass, like I’m made of paper. Go on and try to tear me down, I will keep rising from the ground, like a skyscraper!” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_8ydghbGSg&list=RDTJAfLE39ZZ8&index=35
- Hold On– Alabama Shakes- “Must be someone up above sayin’ come baby girl, you got to get back up. You got to hold on…When the world ain’t treatin’ you good, you got to hold on.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le-3MIBxQTw&list=RDLe-3MIBxQTw&start_radio=1&t=12
- Glorious– Macklemore ft Skylar Grey- “I feel glorious, glorious, got a chance to start to again. I was born for this, born for this. It’s who I am, who I am, how could I forget? I made it through the darkest of the nights and now I see the sunlight. I feel glorious, glorious…the world is up for grabs.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OrLroFa0AI
- Shake It Out– Florence and the Machine- “it’s hard to dance with devil on your back, so shake it out.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs&list=RDTJAfLE39ZZ8&index=25
Power and Control Wheel is courtesy of Google, other pics, including title pics are from FreePik and designed using Canva
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