So, what IS the problem? Money? Did someone cheat? You? Him or her? Are there other sexual issues that are not being satisfied in the relationship? Do you feel like you’re being controlled or vice versa? Marriage is work. You have to be willing to put in the effort. If you signed up for happily ever after, you’re shit out of luck because it doesn’t exist. There are moments where you will be sublimely happy, but there will also be moments where you want to punch your partner in the face (don’t do that, btw). Even if your problems seem too big to solve, if you’re both devoted, not just to each other, but to making your marriage work, you can conquer anything together.
Sometimes, it seems like the problems are too big to fix. That doesn’t mean that they can’t be sorted out. And that’s what you have to do, sort it out. Prioritize. Generally, there is one main issue, but a million other tiny issues that stem from that, making the problem seem too big to manage. By then, it’s an issue that looks like a spiderweb, but does have a center. Both together and apart, you two need to reflect on where the issue(s) began, and what has spun out from them. For instance, someone had an affair. It’s either able to be salvaged or not. But what preceded the affair and what issues have come to light since? Narrow the scope of the problem and decide where to start with your partner. You also might want to refer to my blog on 10 Fair Fighting Rules for relationships to help stay in moment and mindful about each argument’s subject and focus.
Most people wait until they’re emotionally divorced to try to make a half-assed attempt at getting couples’ counseling. If you wait too long, there’s really no point. If you truly want your marriage to succeed you a) have to both be in it for the long haul and dedicated to making it work (not just lip service) and b) start seeing a counselor as soon as the problem becomes unmanageable. How do you know when it becomes unmanageable? There are drastic changes in the tone of the relationship (petty passive-aggressive things, near silent treatment, ignoring issues and just going on about your days OR increased fighting, yelling, and aggression). Another way to know if it’s become unmanageable: the issue(s) continue to come up in every argument. But, bottom line, if you know for sure (and I mean with absolute assurance) already done, don’t draw it out and cause the other person more heartache (even yourself) by delaying the inevitable and allowing each other to move on with your lives.
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