Step 13: When the Dust Settles

I finally completed the 12 Steps of Christmas, encouraging family and friends to work with the person who has chosen to stop using. This complicates doing the 12 Steps, but, my darlings, it’s completely worth it. I am going to do some simplified versions of what the 12 Steps look like with confounding variables. Confounding variables are, in this case, things happening as you’re working the Steps, becoming self-aware, and learning more about yourself and others, good and bad. And really, really ugly. 

Let’s give a quick nod to the fact that your brain chemistry is changing (and will continue to do so) as you become sober. We’re not just talking about cravings or triggers. We’re literally talking about your brain changing. It can be shown on brain scans as proof. You will have a hard time being happy, having sex (sometimes), interacting with people (sometimes only certain people), etc. This blog post is about family and boundaries, but also explains a bit about the lack of endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine and how, without these, it is difficult to be happy. This blog also begins to speak to the issues of mental health, which we are going to get into. 

Let’s address mental health first. The most frequent diagnoses that I encountered as a substance abuse therapist were: PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder (that one’s not what you think), Anxiety, and Depression. Here’s a quick breakdown, people with substance abuse issues and those in 12 Step programs decide that they do not need therapy. That’s bullshit. You do. It’s not for “crazy people”. It will help you, and seeing a psychiatrist might be worth it until your brain begins to create more dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. So come see me. Or someone in real life. Try a couple of sessions because you could have more than one diagnosis. 

• PTSD- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: (You might want to read up on my PTSD Diaries sections.) This one takes some work to unpack. Think of it like a full closet that’s completely unorganized and needs to be unpacked. Some things need to go to Goodwill, some go in the “maybe” pile, and some you will keep (whether you want to or not). As someone with C-PTSD (the “C” is Complex), I can tell you, it’s not easy, but it is necessary or you won’t be able to move past it. 
• Personality Disorders: Personality Disorders are generally viewed as something people “grow out of” with time (by their early-mid 20’s), however, that’s not always true. This particular set of Personality Disorders has something else in common. They all fall “Cluster B” Personality Disorders. Someone who has been using for a long time is generally emotionally and (sometimes) mentally stunted. (Antisocial Personality Disorder actually translates into someone who has little to no disregard for other’s, btw, not someone who likes to be alone.)
  • Someone who’s worked the 12 Steps is going to have more self-awareness and control over their emotions than someone who continues to use. You will learn about who is bringing the most drama into your life and who to (unfortunately) eliminate from your life. 
• Anxiety and Depression: I include these two together because they are usually friends and go together. Using substances masks these issues so well and some people can go through the Steps and transition back into a drug-free life without having as many issues as others. I have a few blogs that can help with anxiety (using mindfulness) and depression. Depression is more difficult to treat without pharmacology, but please don’t believe everything you read on the internet. 

Listen Up!

I am a licensed therapist who mainly has worked in substance abuse and addiction. And I’ve loved it. You wouldn’t hear that often because it’s difficult to work with court-mandated clients because they don’t want to be there and don’t believe they have a problem. I’ve also worked with those who have mental illness. I want to give you the short-list of things that might change or you will realize might be dysfunctional that you never noticed when you were using:

• Romantic relationships: Has it been a co-dependent relationship? Do you rely on each other too much? Are the two of you happy now that you are sober? Is your partner still using? Romantic relationships are complicated and making a huge life change such as stopping use of drinking and drugging will inevitably change your relationship, even your sex life. Just a warning.
• Friendships: You will have to adjust, and possibly lose, all or most of your “friends” and find new ones and/or focus on family. Some of your friendships are based on using and may need to be eliminated because they could be toxic to your recovery. 
• Family: Do you have children? You have some time to make up for so get to it. It might not feel joyful because of the brain chemistry that I spoke about earlier, but play Barbies and drink invisible tea anyway. They will need those memories later. Please believe me. Children know what’s going on. They knew when you were using and could smell the alcohol on your breath. They might be little, but they aren’t stupid. They need you and there’s a part of your parental instincts that needs them. The rest of your family needs you too. Your siblings need you, just like your parents do, if you’re lucky enough to have them still. And you, well, admit it, you need them too. Thank your Higher Power every day for the blessings you have left.

Changes and Challenges Ahead

Let’s give one more thing some attention. Remember that time you stole from your Grandmother? Or slept with your best friend’s girlfriend? Just because you’re sober and view yourself differently and made amends, people may forgive, but don’t forget. They may still hide the good china when you’re over. Or look at you like you’re sobriety is a joke and you will relapse at any time.

Prove them wrong. You are more than who people think you used to be. You are someone new and beautiful. Prove it. Use positive affirmations daily. Talk and pray to your Higher Power. Don’t internalize the critics and become your own inner critic. Find a new hobby. Something physical and something artistic. That’s my recommendation. Something that you enjoy is a good start to encouraging those chemicals in your brain to balance back out. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. If you slip, don’t slip alone. That’s how people wake up dead and I want you to wake up. 

Please share your questions, comments, complaints, and experiences with me. Thank you. 

**All pics are from Google, Freepik, and title pic was designed using Canva.