The 12 Steps of Christmas (Step 9)
…on the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others…(this song just keeps getting easier to sing, right?)
Step 9 very much builds on Step 8. In Step 8, “The Big Book” talks about 3 pieces to the puzzle (this is a word for word quote so don’t blame me for the horrific grammar):
First we take a look backward and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; and, third, having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.
Breaking this quote down, the first part should have been covered by Step 4 and then, of course, Step 8 (this worksheet is for both Steps 8 and 9) before putting Step 9 into motion. I want to explore this Step by using some examples of how to make amends and some you’re going to need to consult your sponsor and possibly your particular group to get a feel for whether or not apologizing would cause more harm than good. If you’ve looked back and you’re ready to look forward, let’s walk these therapeutic steps through (you’re not going to find this in “The Big Book”):
- You want to apologize to your boss for calling in all the time, stealing product/money, and/or coming to work high/drunk (or some other crappy thing): This one could have possible complications if other issues exist (sleeping with the boss or other employees), but should be pretty straightforward. Here’s the right way to apologize:
- Don’t let fear deter you. This can happen quite often, but, I assure you, this NEEDS to be done more than you are afraid of it.
- Be sincere, if you don’t mean it, 1) there’s no point and 2) people will know.
- Be specific. This part is difficult because you have to admit your perfect ALL of the things that you did wrong.
- Show your humility in your apology. This should come naturally because you have changed as a person, right?
- Don’t blame. Your addiction is not an excuse. Other peoples’ actions are not an excuse. You are responsible and that’s that.
- Be prepared that they may become upset about these old issues. Amends can stir old feelings of anger or hurt or anything really, depending on the situation. Especially if you are making amends for specific things that they might not have known about previously.
- Be prepared that they do not want to forgive you or do not want to forgive you in that moment. Just because you have moved past your past, doesn’t mean that they will view you any differently. Keep this in mind because it will happen often.
- You want to apologize to your best friend for sleeping with his wife and possibly being the father of his kid…
- You’ve got your ass in some pickle here…this could be one of those things that causes more harm than good…
- However, you could have a KID! This is a kind of a big deal. I cannot give you solid advice on this one because I don’t know the people involved, the history, your current relationship with them, whether or not the child could be yours according to dates, etc. Here’s my advice:
- Speak with the wife/mother. She might have been wanting to confess this for a long time. Or she could be completely angry with you if you want to ruin a seemingly perfect marriage/family life.
- Speak with your sponsor. They generally won’t tell you exactly what to do, but they can give you guidance based on your specific circumstances, but it’s essentially going to be up to you.
- Open it up to the group. You never know when someone has had a similar situation to yours. This one is a little complex, but you never know.
- You are a family member of the person with the addiction who is actually working this Step like I told you to, but that person has identified you as someone who was hurtful to them throughout their life. How can you manage this?
- First, ask for specific times that this person was hurt, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. You cannot apologize for what you didn’t know you did.
- Truly hear what your friend or family member has to say.
- Be sincere. As I tell everyone, apologies without sincerity are not truly apologies at all. And, if you don’t feel like you should have to apologize for something, don’t. Pretending will only make things worse and sour other experiences.
- Try. Just because this person is the one who had the addiction, doesn’t make the way you’ve lived your life more righteous.
- Take true responsibility for your actions. No one else made you do something. You have reasons, not excuses.
- Some examples over the years might be included in this, things like name calling, refusing love or affection, stealing a boyfriend, spanking them out of anger (there is a difference between discipline out of anger and disciplined discipline), etc.
- Do NOT blame the victim for the abuse or hurt feelings. There’s a lot of pain and shame in admitting these hurts already so when you blame the person, it just adds to the pain, makes them feel like they don’t count, and triggers them to use. (This is not a way to blame you if someone relapses, that’s on them.)
- I am listing the previous point out of experience. I have simply been made out as hard to love by my family so anything that has been done to me or that they do to me is truly ok and, if I mention anything about it, I’m simply dismissed. That’s why I wrote this blog about forgiveness.
Step 9 is much to ask of us as meager and afraid human beings, but remember that we are nothing until we make ourselves something. This Step helps us move forward and avoid behavior that caused us to have to do this in the first place. It truly reinforces our mistakes from the past, how we want to live now, and who we want to become. Keeping moving forward.
All pics come from Adobe and FreePik. Title pic designed by Canva.