What to Expect When You’re NOT Expecting…EVER

[**FYI: Writing this blog post while watching “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”]

How can I love these answers…let me count the ways…a ticking clock that gets louder as you get older, chapped nipples, discussion about whether or not to circumcise your child’s penis (just DO it already!), crying whenever, not trying to base a happy, healthy, and functioning relationship around raising children. I could go on for hours. The point is, when you make the choice NOT to reproduce, you’re saving yourself…

1) MONEY!,

2) Possible disappointments (miscarriage, inability to reproduce, IVF fails, birth defects, complications during childbirth, risking mother and child’s life, possible stillborn, navigating the ever-changing and difficult adoption systems, etc.),

3) SLEEP!,

4) Children turning into evil teenagers,

5) Horrible bodily changes, both temporary and permanent,

6) Random strangers trying to touch your belly…all the time, and

7) Literally a million other problems and issues. 

I want to be perfectly clear about my personal situation. I have an autoimmune disease which will either risk my child’s and my health, or cause me to miscarry repeatedly, on or off meds that suppress my immune system. I am at infusion level illness (cancer-level drugs), which is not great. My body has stretch marks from steroid weight gain in places I did not expect, cellulite from the same issues. My body has been ravaged by disease rather than the “joy” of having a child. I’ve also experienced severe mood swings because of my body and medications so the “joy” of pregnancy escapes me personally.

There is no judgment here at Notamomma, so for mothers, mothers-to-be, and aspiring mothers, no offense, but pregnancy isn’t the only thing that ruins your body. You wanted a baby, you got the side effects so please, stfu about it. Some of us didn’t ask for our body to be put through the ringer by disease, cancer, and other illnesses. 

What TO Expect…

ANYTHING! Without a child, the world is your oyster! Travel, throw a dinner party, get as many tattoos as you want in foreign lands, spend time with children…(who don’t belong to you! I recommend those toddler years, they’re so much fun!), challenge yourself to be a better person everyday, volunteer, commit to a cause, MAKE yourself a place at the table!

I have to credit a college professor in my undergrad years who made it very clear that you are no one in the grand scheme of the world until you make yourself someone and, when you do, you can MAKE yourself a spot at the table. No one owes you a damn thing so go out into the world and BECOME someone who matters. Somewhere. Find a niche. Find a cause. Find a career. Find a calling. Babies are not the only way to leave a legacy. You can be and do anything you set your mind to! 

So, here are some ways to decide what YOU want to expect from life:

• Make a bucket list (it doesn’t have to be in any certain order)
• Start checking things off of that list, babe!
• Make a vision board of what you’d like to accomplish in the next year (mine includes getting several tattoos this next year, in the hopes that COVID-19 will not turn into COVID-21, it halfway has, btw.)
• Make a new friend. It could be an adventure or a disaster, but either way, it can be fun!
• Find your passion. It’s not that far out of reach. Just look around you.
• Once you’ve found that passion, put it to good use.
• Try a new hobby. (Holla for the Dolla’ Tree! Try it for cheap first and THEN spend the money if you find that you’re really into it.)
• Join a group and/or club. Book club or online groups (no video game groups! Groups with human interaction!). Sky’s the limit. Relate it to your passion or hobby. Swinger’s club might mean you need a sex addiction group so…um…be careful with that one (no judgment). 
  • When I moved to a new place, to meet new people and expand my horizons, I joined a book club and, later, a writing class. I met my “sister from another mister”, who will undoubtedly be my best friend for the rest of my life. Instant connection and I love her to death! No connections like a soul mate!
• Explore your sexuality. No shit. I just said that. Figure out what makes you feel excited, sexy, and have the completely best orgasm of your life ever. Ev. Er. Alone or with someone. Who cares?
  • Just don’t get addicted to vibrator-only sex. Real people don’t vibrate. (Sex and the City and “the Rabbit” that Charlotte got addicted to and they had to stage a bit of an intervention reference.)
• Education. Don’t just educate yourself about what it is that you want to do as a profession, but ^^remember those hobbies and passions that I was talking about?^^ Educate yourself about how to do new things, new experiences. Yearn to learn something new everyday.
• Read. A well-read person can be a very well-rounded person. Whether you join that book club or not, if you have the ability to read, as you’re reading this, I want you to think about those people who cannot and diversify your reading portfolio. You will learn so many new things; cooking, art, poetry, etc. Even if it’s not your cup of tea, find someone’s style that you might like. 
• Cook new recipes that you might never try and…
• Try new foods. Go to an Indian restaurant (if you’ve never been), but make sure it’s authentic. Try a real Spanish restaurant (it’s more Mediterranean style than tacos, as most would think). Eat REAL Chinese food (hint: if they specify what region of China it’s from, it’s more likely to be authentic). My Dad always forced us to try new foods as kids and we hated it, only sometimes, but that’s how I learned that noodles belong in Italian food, not Chinese (♥).
• Exercise. Find the thing that you like: yoga, running, walking, exploring nature, finding new local trails and parks to explore, dancing, swimming, biking, lifting weights (although you should mix in cardio too), playing sports (tennis, racquetball, basketball, baseball, football, soccer, etc.), mix it up (I think that is what makes it fun, for me anyway).
• Throw parties. Legendary, themed, surprise, etc., parties. Have fun with it. Whether they are simple Christmas Open Houses or Halloween Parties, have some fun with it. I’m a big fan of New Year’s Eve Parties. Being without children doesn’t mean that you cannot be involved in social events that invite people who do have children. Not every topic has to be a part of child-rearing. 
• Join some kind of Board of Directors or Committee. It will look stellar on a resume, not to mention give you the different experiences you will get working on a Board or Committee with people from all kinds of walks of life, different professions, and different interests. Keep an open mind. 
• Live small, simply, and cheap. Why be rent/house-poor when you can put that money towards something else, like all of the things listed above?

Without You I Am Okay…

Am I saying that people with kids can’t do these things? No. If they have money (and a live-in nanny, perhaps). And, here’s my warning to you stay-at-home moms, cover your ass in your pre-nup because, despite your level of education, you’ll be fucked without spousal support until you can at least get back on your feet to support your children, assuming that you will get custody. 

Enjoy life without children, whether it’s by choice or without the ability. Eventually, you will come to terms with things-I’m not saying that you’ll never cry about it or think about it again, but feel joyful about those in your life that you can be a true role model to, even when you’re not looking. You can be angry with God, He can handle it, but I believe in His plan. It’s OK not to have kids. You might have to change your plans, your expectations, your life, but, we’re here for you. There’s an entire community here for you.

**All pics come from FreePik and Title Pic was designed using Canva and FreePik.