30 Relationship Red Flags
I am using the pronoun “He” loosely. Women are also abusive. Same sex couples also have abusive relationships. Be aware that some of these Red Flags, never show themselves until the ink is barely dry on a marriage certificate. It happened to me. It’s happened to other people I know. It CAN happen to you.
- Gives you constant compliments
- Seems like Prince Charming
- He texts you all the time when you’re not with him (out with friends, even family)
- Tries to isolate you from friends and family
- Gives you ultimatums
- Rushes into a relationship too fast
- Tries to come between you and your family and friends (generally talks down about them, sometimes convinces you that they don’t deserve you)
- They’re dismissive about what you say/feel
- All of their exes are “Crazy Bitches” (and he brings this up very early and often)
- Goes out of his way to keep you from meeting his exes (or discredits anything they say)
- Starts calling you names in arguments
- Often feels entitled, like they’re owed something
- Has unexpected mood swings
- Becomes violent and destroys property
- He lies. All the time. Even about stupid little things.
- Wants to know where you are ALL of the time, but is vague about their whereabouts
- Expects you to do everything around the house
- Has cheated on past partners
- Wants all of your social media and possibly your bank passwords and code
- Uses guilt trips and manipulation to get what you he wants
- Tries to make you feel stupid, especially if you’re more educated than he is (insecurity)
- Uses your own insecurities/vulnerabilities against you
- Withholds affection/doesn’t hold you when you cry
- You have a dysfunctional sex life (too much/too little)
- Makes decisions on your behalf, but gets angry when you make your own
- Secretive about his phone/email/social media (may have secret accounts)
- Stalks you on social media
- Stalks you in real life
- Needs you to feed his ego constantly (insecurity)
- “Apologies” always circle back around to blaming you somehow (“gaslighting”)
The Truth About “Crazy Bitches”
In my experience, every “Crazy bitch” is just a woman with a man behind her holding a knife in her back. And trust me, when there’s a “crazy bitch” stalking you because you were an unknowing “other woman”, you figure out pretty quick that SHE’S not a “Crazy bitch”. The guy who made ME the “other woman” was literally the “crazy motherfucker”. He had that knife so twisted in her back, she didn’t know how to get out. I had one of those women actually call me later and ask me for relationship advice on what to do and how to deal with a man she’d been with for years. I told her to end it and run. I was young, but wise enough to know that if she was calling the “other woman”, she was desperate and needed out.
A Bit of My Story
The truth is, later, I was in my own domestic violence situation. Some of these things on the list are just common and some are straight out of my book. Honestly, I never thought it could happen to me. Even though I was in college for Social Work, I still thought it was only for “weaklings”. People who “needed” to be in a relationship. I was happiest being young and single. I didn’t need anyone, let alone a man, but, then I fell in love with the sweetest guy. There were few signs: he rushed the relationship, he lied about stupid things (I thought he was just immature), he gave me constant compliments, and he appeared to be Prince Charming (especially in front of my family), every once in awhile, he tried to make me feel dumber than him. I just wrote it all off as immaturity, a little insecurity, and love.
The truth is the real abuse didn’t come until later, but before the ink was dry on the marriage certificate. He moved me away from friends and family. I was so depressed that I was vulnerable to anything. I’m a BIG PERSONALITY, I take shit from no one, speak my mind, am a feminist, Type A Personality, and I THOUGHT I would never be abused. That has later made this healing process so much harder. The shame and blaming myself. I still feel like it’s my fault and if I could’ve done this or that right, I would still be married. I was abused by a man who only outweighed me by about 60 pounds (if my current fiance did to me what my ex did to me, I’d be dead. I like big guys as a general rule). If he’s playing a game with you and you want out, I’ll teach you how to play as much as I can. FYI: IF HE’S GOT YOUR CELL, IPAD, COMPUTER TAPPED, AND, I’M BETTING HE DOES, GET A BURNER AND HIDE IT ASAP. Otherwise, he’s going to see EVERYTHING you’re reading, doing, texting, phone numbers, etc. 
Resources
- NCADV: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: https://ncadv.org/statistics
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
- Domestic Shelters.Org (Can help you find a shelter nearby, if you have no other options)
